Autopsy

Autopsy

xbrittanylinnx

[	website	\|	Brittany.	]
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(no subject)	[May. 1st, 2009\|09:53 am]
After a while... After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn... ~ Veronica A. Shoffstall ~ I copied that from someone that added me had on thier profile, because I want to remember it later, and I'm at school, in journalism right now. I wasn't sure before, If I was really ready to leave hs, being 17 by 2 months, ready for college. on top of part time work. but, I'm a junior and 16, and I work part time, and actually, I used to do over 30 hours a week up until 2 weeks ago, when I switched my sked because my grades were dipping, and a need a 2.5 to graduate early, and I need to grad early, to be able to go to massage therapy school, so I can work as a massage therapist part time, while going to school for what I really want, my professional certificate in photography. so, it's domino's and I need every step to get where I want to be, so, when other people in my grad class are graduating in 2010, I'll be on my way to my certificate, already in school in Cali, or NY. Last period in gym, we had a relaxation period- and I kept thinking about Brad, and I kept thinking about Kevin, and the thoughts kept coming, listing the people who've left. not in a sense of me, feeling malice r negative at all towards any of them, just, in a childish sense, this fear, that everyone will leave- and I, I miss them More once they've left, that I did at all when they were with me, so what does that say? it just seems unhealthy, so, I need to let them go. and I, the girl who always thought weddings were awkward, and kissing was something to be done behind closed doors, and- seen myself being 50 years old, a depressed artist, just, living and experiancing life on my own. and now, recently I have allowed myself no denying, that I want to, some day be apart of a family. My sister, I see myself in her. I told her I 'd never leave her. rocked her and sang "you are my sunshine" she cried because she didnt want me to leave her. Her and my mom are now in a shelter, and I'm supposed to forget where it is, as a safety percausion. so I've decided to see her every weekend. every friday after school I'll drive 2 hour away to see her, take her to museums, take her to Niabi, get her involved with other kids and make sure she feels a sense of community, of family. Saturdays will be show days, because I book bands for local venues. and also, I work saturdays too. Sundays, I do free photography. like, this weekend: friday, today I'm working 5 hours, then going to go to bed. tomorrow, I'm going to get up early, get Chloe and take her to the Figge art museum with Aki and her niece, Mara. Then, get groceries at the vegan place in DP, Greatest Grains, then come to Clinton to go to a show at Galaxy, and then head to Prom, to do photos for the school newspaper. then, to home, and bed! and then Sunday, dad and I are going to go to church, and then it's band practice time, and then, then it's time to d Brittany Moss's senior photos. I'M MOVING TO DAVENPORT IN DECEMBER. :) I know it's far away, but everyone has thier form of escape. some kids drink, do drugs, whatever. I think about the future, and make lists when I get excited. well, I need to text a few people about the show for May 9th, because we have 10 bands playing. it's 10$ to get in, all ages, and starts at 4pm at Sin City. please come!!
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(no subject)	[Feb. 27th, 2009\|04:51 pm]
I can't keep running myself into the ground. anxiety has affected friendships and relationships and now it's affecting school and work. I dont want this anymore! I want to be able to move from here next year and not have to deal with this. I want to be better already. disreguard past entries. no more talk. time to be consious, and feel things and deal with things and cope. no more putting it off. no blogging about feelings. life is here and now.
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short story for creative writing class. personal narrorative. wrote it at work.	[Feb. 11th, 2009\|11:41 pm]
Waiting for him to call like usual. Didn’t we just go over this? I could have sworn he agreed to my list of demands, upon my agreeing to be with him again. If I didn’t love the kid- This is my last year here; I am to be there for him, to show him what love means, to be there for him and to comfort him, to show and teach… and to keep myself in check. Keep myself closed off towards him, and to deal with my anxiety on my own time. To show him how happy he makes me, and to stow away the negative, So that I don’t add to his burden. I know that leaving this place will be difficult; I didn’t think it would happen, but this place has become like a home- Not to say that I’m not ready to run, because I’m always ready… “Click.” “Hello, my name is Brit Lang, and I am calling on behalf of Qwest-” “Click.” “Alright, well Qwest does value your buissness and as your full service communications network we are here for you anytime and can be reached at 1 800 503 0309, Thank you.” “Click.” I will not text him. I will not- Text him? No. I don’t need him. Last time it hurt so bad, and through that I learned that I don’t need anyone. Everyone leaves, it’s a part of life, apart of the cycle. It’s not my place to be needy here, I’m supposed to be doing this for him. I want to do this for him. I am not needy. 2 whole months in between, without any sign of his existence, (or his care about my own, for that matter,) I was just fine- Granted, anxiety attacks with detached sense of value, feeling completely pathetic and weak- I never asked for help, I didn’t. I don’t want to need. And I know that I am human, only human, even if at times I tend to resent that.. He is human too. Understanding someone to the point where you realize that they are just human, where you accept that they are just like you, With their insecurities, vulnerabilities, Where you accept and understand them in realizing that their faults are much like that of your own. It feels dangerous, But logically… I think it means we’re close, and maybe that’s just me justifying what I’m doing, which again, doesn’t make too much sense; I can’t be apart of this and not attach myself to some extent. Being close automatically puts up a red flag- saying “RUN.” On the Brightside, he loves me for what little he knows, and I love him for all that I do know, and I feel in control because I’m the one being strong for the both of us, and if I don’t let him in on a deeper level, I never have to hurt. He has no idea- because we hardly ever talk.. Even though that was the one thing I really wanted, at the time when I felt being assertive was the only way to go, benefiting us both and just.. Saving time. I wanted him to communicate with me. Why won the call me and give me some excuse? I wonder what it’d be this time.. “Click.” “Hi, My name is-” “Click.” I wonder what ever happened to Kevin.. After calling and leaving numerous (un returned) messages I gave up. What else could I do? Keep apologizing to a ring tone? Not two weeks ago, I was in his arms, feeling safe, secure, feeling valued. Two weeks ago we’d fall asleep to the sound of each others breathing- Until, Brad came back into the picture, and I’d admitted to them that I needed time, not knowing what I wanted, and with keeping myself in check, not wanting to bounce from person to person until I was really ready- and could honestly and wholeheartedly commit to one person- After rationalizing time and time again, I knew that I still loved Brad, But.. Was I “in love” with him? Or had I fallen out, after numbing off my feeling, somehow stopped? And where would that have left Kevin?After all, I had been his 1^st kiss (and he, mine,) I had been the 1^st person he had cared about, like Brad had been mine- I didn’t plan on leaving Kevin in the dark when I had said that I needed time.. I was unprepared to hurt anyone involved, and was ready to step out of the situation as a whole until I had my head figured out, and my heart in place. Kevin hasn’t called in 2 weeks. I miss him. His scent, His warmth, his lips. I miss feeling valued, feeling beautiful, I miss.. Him. My thoughts are everything but concluded. To be cont.
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(no subject)	[Feb. 8th, 2009\|07:38 pm]
Ben's been missing for a year now. Not that I knew him well to begin with. He was only my best friend's brother- I don't know how to feel about this. When someone dies there are certain things you learn, like how to act towards it. But when someone goes missing? When someone is all of a sudden taken from the picture that they've spent thier whole lives painting? There is no 'how to' guide on that one- because it's not going to hit close to home, right? We pass time, and try not to think too much, and months go by, and time goes by, and people pass, and come, and go. And before you know it, it's been a year. a full year, with no evidence, no sign as to where he went. There is nothing to say, no faces to make- only questions. but no one to ask.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 30th, 2009\|08:42 pm]
I keep feeling so far away lately. whatever I do, it's not right, or good enough. My best friend doesnt come to school anymore. her brother has been missing for almost a year now, Feb. 8th.. and She and I talk about suicide frequently, I don't see it getting better anytime soon. I took a photo with pills in my hands, because anxiety, and negative thoughts make me wonder why I dont just cut, why I dont take the pills that tempt me. Why I even bother when nothing seems to matter. My life right now literally consists of fighting off anxiety, and having upbeat, happy, easy breathing moments, that I later learn to regret thanks to the anxiety. I always thought I was the problem, having not seperated myself from it. When I do things, part of me in in my head just watching while the other is in control of actions and words.. There's something between me and reality sometimes Though, that doesnt make much sense. I'm nervous for work, because I dont know what I'm doing yet. And at school, the teachers dont even care if I go. And dad freaks out if I dont. I keep thinking about the future, but what about right now? I am selfish.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 27th, 2009\|10:36 pm]
I don't like my job. yes, I can keep myself amused and energetic while there, but it's not something I want to do. I work 30+ hours this week, and the next 3 weeks. My mom has really bad anxiety, which has prevented her from getting and maintaining a job, meaning her and my sister may be homeless soon. And, social workers may take my sister. mom and I talked a bit this past weekend and I dont know where that leaves us, and I'm not even gonna try again, just.. go with the flow. Some of my closest friends want to off themselves. I owe nearly 2 grand in car bills, 'cause I'm a bad driver. In school we dont do anything but take notes. Kid you not. I don't know what's with the Brad situation. I think we could make good friends, or could have made good friends if that's where we would have stayed. I think about Kevin a lot, and sometimes my hands get tingley, I can feel myself pushing away emotions and attatchment. People tend to leave when you start to care so until this point I've laughed off feeling and tried to keep it away. I think I care and that scares me. I don't want to be bitter, I want to practice what I preach and accept that we all get hurt, and that somehow that hurt must be better than not feeling at all. Lump in my throat again. I skipped school today to go to my moms to get my camera, so that I dont fail photography class, aand I got grounded for a week, because apparently my record of skipping school one day every 2 months isn't good enough for my dad. I'm so tired of his standards, Mine are the only ones that matter to me and he gets in the way a lot. I know it's because he cares but taking things away from me like I'm five only makes me angered, and wanting to rebel more, but I- sit and wait out the punishment like I actually commited a crime. So I'll go to school, and work, and come home and sleep for the next week, waiting out my sentance. I keep telling myself this is the last year, and then my life will change. sometimes I think this is a lie, and this is all my life will ever be, realistic or not, life doesnt wait. it is here, and now. and though mine is getting better I wish my dad were more understanding. In short, right now I'm feeling tired of every aspect in my life, because I'm feeling too much anxiety and want to take the easy way out, and close it all off. I think that's bad though, for those around me, because I've never been absent for them, even when I'm feeling vacant. I can skip out all I want, as long as I go through the motions. something about that doesnt seem right, but it fits the tune. I wish someone would hold my hand and tell me it's alright. and I know this sounds dramatic for only being grounded. It's the cycle that is my complaint because even when I try to stretch it out I'm always brought back to this place of anxiety and fear.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 21st, 2009\|05:43 pm]
I don't know what I want anymore. Things with Brad are no more, and I know this. And I like Kevin a lot but I don't think I'm ready to date someone right now. I got hired today to work at Focus with Aki, and Chels once she gets done with drivers ed. I hope Tamika and Issiaha get hired too. It'd be great to work in an environment where you get along well with the people there. Part time is going to be hard to take on, cause I'm usually busy as it is. so, adding 25 hours a week plus overtime on Friday, is gonna be something. Especially with school and the social life I'm just starting to have. ''Social life'' I don't mean, as in being popular or something superficial, something highschool. Just that I'm starting to like who I am, and with that confidence I've opened up and been more relaxed around people. I guess being honest and open always helps. I now owe my dad 1800$ from car bills, that I plan on paying off by this summer. I can't get into any more accidents, or get anymore speeding tickets, cause then the whole year thing, for graduated licensing starts over, and I wont be able to leave for college in November. I feel anxious and happy right now, and glum, and confused. I can't decide what I want to feel, what I am letting myself feel. I keep reminding myself that this is all real, that my life is happening with every action I take. And that my life really does affect other people to some extent at least. I need to do some photography. I haven't since the Zombicidal Maniac photoshoot this past weekend. And I am behind on the 365 project. change keeps happening, and it's scary because nothing seems to stay the same, at all. I think this means I should remind myself that I am constant, That I will always be here for myself. that should be some reassurance. slow and steady wins the race. I keep thinking that we have one life to live, so being reserved all of the time isn't so good. But when I step outside of my comfort zone I don't feel like myself. And I don't feel like I've been myself for some time now. I'm sad sometimes and have anxiety attacks where I'm so angry at myself for some things. I say nastey things in my head sometimes and later on when I feel better I know I didn't mean them. Things happen for a reason. And sometimes I'm upbeat and brightside and wearing my brave face, telling myself that eventually things will be good, and that things aren't too bad right now. sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm happy. and in that line, I see I'm not. I don't know what will make me happy, cause things really aren't that bad. I have a lump in my throat right now. I came out with ''I'm not okay with this.'' this weekend, and accepted that it's okay for me to be discontent with something, even if it's a choice that I've made. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm human, even if I resent that fact that I need sometimes. I also figured out this weekend how to explain what I'm feeling when I'm having an anxiety attack. ''I want to rip my insides out, I feel like they are hollow. I want to scream, and let the air fill my lungs. I want to exhale and feel my insides branching out. I hate this feeling, and I don't want it anymore. I don't want any of it.'' I keep saying I'm going to meditate, but I never make it that far. I just sit really still and space out in thought. Let's add that to my wrist, ''meditate tonight.'' I have no conclusion in this journal, kind of an update I suppose. I think I'm going to give Brad a call tonight so that I can get closure, and gain composure for when I'm feeling low. time to go and do homework.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 11th, 2009\|09:27 am]
I think I get it now; ''We accept the love that we think we deserve.'' I applied this towards self when in the shower. I let go of sound, of thought, and with the water covering everything but my nose, I fell asleep. I'm listening to Tear's of Gaia. www.myspace.com/tearsofgaia I don't have a long blog, just noting on the quote because it's something I'd been thinking about for awhile, because when it comes to me fighting myself I hate who I've become. When I'm being rational I value myself. I'm pretty mellow, but animal rights and straight edge things in the world, okay.. Anything going on in the world really, how can you not be angry? how can you not want to help, act, fix what's going on? How can you sit there and watch? What get's me is the ever so famous ''I love animals, but I eat them'' thing. I've heard that so much. and I don't care, it's your life, and the animals, they don't need your excuses. Maybe I'm too critical, maybe I'm just.. not a hypocrite, and I like to keep myself in check. I've been avoiding the telli for a long time, and I flipped on to watch current tv, (www.current.com) and so much is going on. Buddhism, philosophy keeps me mellow, but nothing makes me so upset, more than what's goin go in the world. so many people just dont care. That's what's insane.
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(no subject)

[Jan. 10th, 2009|06:32 am]

[	Current Location	\|	Brit's ''cave'' according to D.Spitz.	]
[	Current Mood	\|	awake, thanks to Kevin.	]

My camera and I
have been bonding a lot
due to the projects from Flickr that
Brooke and I took on this year.
I love photography.
can never be lonely with a camera,
can take it to another state and
drive around, then park and go out
shoot photos for hours, before anyone
knows you even left town. amazing.

Don't do things for me
that are for my own good, okay?
I can handle myself and my emotions.
and I do just fine.
Brad's pushing me away for My own good.
it just upsets me that things have to be like this.
I lead a simple life, and so far it's going well.
It's getting better everyday and I'd love
to share that with someone.

For the past week or so
everything's been really possitive.
even the things that outrightetly suck.

school is school, things are more finalized
with my graduating early. I chose my 5 classes
for senior year, this past week.
Sociology, Psychology, Gym,
AP art studio and some other..
fill in the space kind of class.

I've been texting a lot neat people lately,
especially this one kid named Kevin. :]
We have a date next Sunday,
I'm nervous/excited.

Bryce and I had a somewhat ''deep''
(in comparison to a lot of convos lately.)
talk in my car last night about love,
because I said I don't see the point of
relationships when they all end the same.
He said that they sent a man to the moon,
expecting nothing more than that he go and
come back, they did the same thing the second
time around too.

You learn more about that person
when you're with them, you learn more
about yourself by being with someone.

I don't know.
But this is my last year here
and I don't want to leave it and
have nothing to have left behind.

Maybe,
it's possible,
maybe,
it's fair,
to love more than one person
deeply in your lifetime.
(that's what we all want, just one.)
Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve,
sent it to the sky, should I love openly?
I guess we'll see, guess I'll try.
If we avoid the reason why people are
with other people (greed, we get lonely.)
and love another person, giving them
the upperhand, it seems wise to keep on
trying. because if I'm worn and I'm torn
when I'm old, atleast I'll know it's not
because I lived selfishly.

Right now
I get up to do photography.
Right now
I stay up for my friends.
Right now
life is going well,
and this is as complicated
as it has to be.

Love the life you live
and live the life you love.

If I could do any one thing
in the world right now,
I'd sit down with Brad and
have a talk,
anything,
everything.

Dad was right
when he mentioned boys,
and how complicated things
could be one day.
It's fair for me to say
I don't know what I'm doing,
even if I pretend I do.

whatever happens,
we have today, we have our
lives, we have our future.

We have nothing to hold on to
but ourselves.

I messed up going to Davenport
with Ateo, Danicka, Chels and meeting
Kevin S. there. :/ Cause I fell asleep
after school and woke up too late.
but tonight, we're watching movies
at Aleisha's, Chels, Aki, Christian,
David, the other David, some kids,
and Deviath, and Trip, and Danicka,
Ateo, and the other members of
StillChyld.

girls night's out,
band practice is in;
I'm stoked for no sleep
and coffee, and being around
people who care if I wake up
or not. It's just gonna be a great
night. It's been awhile since I felt
wanted.

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